This 2021 is surely a year when I lost many people I love, or related to people I love, or related to those whom I know very close.
Sometimes I wonder how long we can endure the pain? How far can we go on with heart aches? Whoever, wherever you are, whenever you feel lonely, you are not alone. You will NEVER be alone. Stay safe. Stay alive.
Staying alive as a fully functioned adult is surely a challenge recently. But I know I am not alone. I know I can go through it. Take one day at a time, they say.
I lost my dear Bapa (elderly 'sepuh' from whom I learned many things beyond what's written in every religion book). I remember many glimpses from the past when I was with him. His voice. His smile. His advice for my marriage with Kicky. I remember I dreamt of Bapa once. I did 'salim' to him unlike in the real world (of course because of the pandemic year), and he looked younger, he was so neat wearing wearing 'sorban' as if he is going for Friday pray. Whenever I feel lost, it's his face that appears on my thought. And I just keep all the heart aches with a made-up dialogue between him and me.
I lost Ibu, from whom I know my father was taken care nicely. I met her only 4 times. I have no idea how she started her relationship with my dad but all I know from our conversations was my dad was so difficult to handle. Maybe that's why my mom and my dad divorced at first place? From Ibu I heard how she struggled with my dad's debt, with his incompetence of being too tired. She explained how she willingly drive all the way from Bandung-Bogor-Bandung to meet his friends and last on their agenda, meet me for early dinner and chit chat.
I remember, I wanted to know her number just to ask whether or not my dad is doing well because TBH I have this gap with my dad. He kinds of have built a thin wall that's uncrushable between us. Or was it me who never wants to try to make serious conversation with my dad? I dunno. But my dad told me how he took care of Ibu on her last days. I could see how he would sacrifice all because of her. Why couldn't he do it to my mom? I wonder can a second marriage be that beautiful? I have husband right now. I wonder will we be better people if we were divorced and we were married to someone else? What about making the best of us before that happen? I still don't understand the complexity of relationship, layers of information we have to peel, puzzle that we have to solve during our marriage. Why did that happen? Why this why that.
I pray for you, Ibu. Rest in peace. Hereby I witness you are very gentle and loving woman. I learned many things from our short meetings.
(Inhale.. Exhale)
Bruh, such a big thing to write it here. I don't know how I would feel when I read this 10 years from now.