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Tuesday, February 27, 2024

What Keeps Me Going?

 Hi! So many things have happened since my last post. I write here and there and never really put my thought in one place. I think should be the only place I share my thoughts? I know nobody reads the details I have in mind. Sometimes I just want to rant, sometimes I just want to share what I have without people seeing me with their bombastic side eyes (hahah!). But well, life is accepting someone else's point of view as well right?


I currently join this Waldorf 360 online class every Wednesday evening. 8.00pm-9.30pm. Not too late for an evening class since I usually start my last cup of coffee at 7pm. I just wanna write random thoughts here after years of absence. Untuk jadi seseorang yang konsisten itu cukup sulit yaa. Tapi aku bisa coba sih untuk bisa lebih konsisten menulis maupun membaca.

This Waldorf knowledge I have just known, will be a forever lesson to learn, just like myself. All the ups and downs, all the mistakes I've tried to mend. Bismillah.



Thursday, July 21, 2022

Life

 Tetiba air mata tuh ngalir lihat suami sama anak2 tidur nyenyak di kasur..


Ga semua orang bisa dapet nikmat sehat, keluarga utuh, tidur di kasur empuk, pake AC.

Masalah mah pasti ada, banyak. Tapi bersyukur banget dikasih orang2 terdekat yang suportif, kalo kritik yang membangun, kalo ga terima ngomong di depan, kalo lagi kesusahan sigap bantuin. You know who you are. Kalian selalu ada di doa2 malam aku.


Kalo lagi inget, suka bilang sama anak2 dan suami, ga tau sampe kapan aku bisa nemenin kalian. Yang akur, saling ngertiin, saling maklumin. Kesel mah pasti ada tapi pasti tetep sayang. Berjarak aja sampai semua membaik.


Guys, this letter is for you. Thank you, for accepting my flaws. My side which no one out there sees. My mask which nowhere I put but in front of you. Unfathomable joy I share with nobody else. Unimaginable gratefulness I sense nowhere but here, at home, surrounded by you.


Disimpen sayangnya aku di kotak khusus di hati kalian ya, guys. My heart is so full. Alhamdulillah.

Saturday, August 28, 2021

Flashback

This 2021 is surely a year when I lost many people I love, or related to people I love, or related to those whom I know very close.

Sometimes I wonder how long we can endure the pain? How far can we go on with heart aches? Whoever, wherever you are, whenever you feel lonely, you are not alone. You will NEVER be alone. Stay safe. Stay alive.

Staying alive as a fully functioned adult is surely a challenge recently. But I know I am not alone. I know I can go through it. Take one day at a time, they say.

I lost my dear Bapa (elderly 'sepuh' from whom I learned many things beyond what's written in every religion book). I remember many glimpses from the past when I was with him. His voice. His smile. His advice for my marriage with Kicky. I remember I dreamt of Bapa once. I did 'salim' to him unlike in the real world (of course because of the pandemic year), and he looked younger, he was so neat wearing wearing 'sorban' as if he is going for Friday pray. Whenever I feel lost, it's his face that appears on my thought. And I just keep all the heart aches with a made-up dialogue between him and me.

I lost Ibu, from whom I know my father was taken care nicely. I met her only 4 times. I have no idea how she started her relationship with my dad but all I know from our conversations was my dad was so difficult to handle. Maybe that's why my mom and my dad divorced at first place? From Ibu I heard how she struggled with my dad's debt, with his incompetence of being too tired. She explained how she willingly drive all the way from Bandung-Bogor-Bandung to meet his friends and last on their agenda, meet me for early dinner and chit chat.

I remember, I wanted to know her number just to ask whether or not my dad is doing well because TBH I have this gap with my dad. He kinds of have built a thin wall that's uncrushable between us. Or was it me who never wants to try to make serious conversation with my dad? I dunno. But my dad told me how he took care of Ibu on her last days. I could see how he would sacrifice all because of her. Why couldn't he do it to my mom? I wonder can a second marriage be that beautiful? I have husband right now. I wonder will we be better people if we were divorced and we were married to someone else? What about making the best of us before that happen? I still don't understand the complexity of relationship, layers of information we have to peel, puzzle that we have to solve during our marriage. Why did that happen? Why this why that.
I pray for you, Ibu. Rest in peace. Hereby I witness you are very gentle and loving woman. I learned many things from our short meetings.

(Inhale.. Exhale)

Bruh, such a big thing to write it here. I don't know how I would feel when I read this 10 years from now.

Thursday, August 12, 2021

PPKM Level 4

Dear, Kakak. Mama sering banget deh kangen sama kamu. Pengen gitu berdua ke Mr. DIY. Tapi yaah, ga apa-apa ya sekarang maen di rumah doang. Hahahaha..

PPKM Level 4 ini udah ngga berasa berat lagi since we kinda... Get used to it? Staying at home with lots of caffeine made me sane still. Well, at least until the PMS kicks in. 😜 Kakak udah ada kelas lagi besok. Hari ini dia libur dan main di uti, makan banyak permen, es-esan, dan pake lidah buaya 2 kali sehari. Thanks to Papa ❤ Aku siyap menyongsong hari esok yang penuh kesibukan dengan rambut berkilau.



Anak SD tuh banyak tugas ternyata yah, sibuk banget dia keknya sekarang. Semoga makin ada waktu ke depannya ya sayang, ade udah bisa ditinggal kan sekarang, udah sering maen sendiri dia juga. Huehehehehe. 

Ini ade lagi disapih dan alhamdulillah udah ngga nangis kaya hari pertama. Today is marked our 5th day without nyenyen yah, De. 😁

Lagi seneng sama waktu yang ngga kepotong kalo ngapa2in nih pas malem. Bisa ini-itu huehehe. Siangnya sibuk sama bocah duaan. Kakak kudu banyak kegiatan lagi sih ini... Bingung juga kadang, biasanya dia maen kalo Ashar. Sekarang agak kepotong karena ada tukang lagi renov rumah depan. Entah ya, suka malu gw kalo banyak orang gitu terus gw nemenin bocah maen. Padahal mah ga apa-apa sih, harusnya. 

Bismillah, Kak. Kita cari-cari lagi kegiatan yah nanti 🤗 Seneng deh lihat kalian bertiga tidur nyenyak. Mau ikutan nyempil lagi aah 😘

Thursday, August 5, 2021

Alisha Ayra

Aduuh, yang bikin hati deg-degan selain anak masuk sekolah ya ini nih, penyapihan 😄
Bismillah tapi yaa sayaang, kan udah dijatah dua tahun. Hehehe. Kamu bisa, yaa. Mama bisa lepasin juga. 
I'm gonna miss cuddling you in my arms. Time surely flies like a blink of an eye. I love you, Alisha. Sama kaya waktu kakak disapih, it was hard for both of us. But we made it, alhamdulillah we had so much fun doing more activites and still cuddling each other tightly! 

Liat kamu nangis ga tega deh, Nak. Tapiiiii sudah yaaa. Heheh. Jatahnya dua tahun, sayang. Kisskissss! Lg rusuh banget dia ini. Banting ini lah, lempar itu lah... Hadehh. 

Si sayang bundar. Hauahahaha. Ini kakaknya nih yang ga kalah alhamdulillah pinter. 

Kalian bikin hariku tak pernah sendu. Woamwoakaom. Masaaaaaa? 😂