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Friday, November 17, 2017

Dear Dita



You are not alone. You're not a failure. You are a story. And sometimes it's not always a happy ending in some series. Often story starts with nightmare.

You were raised in a broken home. An angry house. Tired mom. Furious dad. But you survived. But you're alive. Although maybe powerless.

So please, do not try to get your power over your kid. Not her. Please. She is the light. She is the seeds. She sees you as comfortable place to be hugged. She sees you as someone who she can rely on.

You are a wife. You are already powerless from the start. Please do accept it. Please switch. Get your power from somewhere else. Or just do house chores.

It has just been 10 days and too much yelling in this house. Too much power. Too much disappointment. That maybe didn't come from here. That maybe have been forever with you but you're just too tired to dig.

There's no such productive communication happened around since morning. I yelled. Lateefa intentionally poured, wasting her shampoo for bubble bath. What hurt me was I was blamed for that by a comment from my beloved husband. That made me yell, did a back fire but it was at her and I was so upset that I cud see she was wondering why. Then I pinched her. She cried. I told my husband I didn't like being blamed. He told me to take care of myself as he's done talking to me.

Now they're off. I'm alone. I felt like I turned into angry mom too many times this week. That I didn't want it to. That I asked myself where was Allah when I was mad? Was I myself? Was this hormones?

I always know I need help. I always know I need friends. I always know I need an escape. I need to take a break.

Being a mom is a never ending story. But I see myself as someone who is difficult to overcome anger and disappointment. I have to accept. That failure is a part of a story. That bad days are part of process to happy ending. I was so mad at myself. I was so sad.

I know I am not alone. I know I matter. I just need help. Someone to talk to. Or sing.
Singing is always good idea. Writing lyrics, too.

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